CHAPTER XV.
"Cataracts of declamation thunder here, There, forests of no meaning spread the page, In which all comprehension wanders, lost, While fields of pleasantry amuse us there With many descants on a nation's woes.
The rest appears a wilderness of strange, But gay confusion--roses for the cheeks, And lilies for the brows of faded age; Teeth for the toothless, ringlets for the bald, Heav'n, earth, and ocean, plunder'd of their sweets; Nectareous essences, Olympian dews, Sermons and City feasts, and fav'rite airs, Ethereal journeys, submarine exploits, And Katerfelto with his hair on end, At his own wonders wond'ring for his bread." "WELL," said Tom, "it must be confessed that a Newspaper is a most convenient and agreeable companion to the breakfast-table," laying down the _Times_ as he spoke: "it is a sort of literary hotch-potch, calculated to afford amusement suited to all tastes, rank-, and degrees; it contains "Tales of love and maids mistaken, Of battles fought, and captives taken." "Then, I presume," said Bob, "you have been gratified and interested in the perusal ?" "It is impossible to look down the columns of a newspaper," replied Tom, "without finding subjects to impart light; and of all the journals of the present day, the _Times_ appears to me the best in point of information and conduct; but I spoke of newspapers generally, there is such a mixture of the _utile et dulce_, that the Merchant and the Mechanic, the Peer, the Poet, the Prelate, and the Peasant, are all deeply concerned in its contents.

In truth, a newspaper is so true a mark of the caprice of Englishmen, that it may justly be styled their coat of ~211~~arms.

The Turkish Koran is not near so sacred to a rigid Mahometan--a parish-dinner to an Overseer--a turtle-feast to an Alderman, or an election to a Freeholder, as a Gazette or Newspaper to an Englishman: by it the motions of the world are watched, and in some degree governed--the arts and sciences protected and promoted--the virtuous supported and stimulated--the vicious reproved and corrected--and all informed." "Consequently," said Bob, "a good Newspaper is really a valuable article." "Doubtless," continued Tom; "and John Bull--mistake me not, I don't mean the paper which bears that title--I mean the population of England, enjoy a Newspaper, and there are some who could not relish their breakfasts without one; it is a sort of general sauce to every thing, and to the _quid nunc_ is indispensable--for if one informs him of a naval armament, he will not fail to toast the Admirals all round in pint bumpers to each, wishes them success, gets drunk with excessive loyalty, and goes with his head full of seventy-fours, sixty-fours, frigates, transports, fire-ships, &c.

In its diversified pages, persons of every rank, denomination, and pursuit, may be informed--the Philosopher, the Politician, the Citizen, the Handicraftsman, and the Gossip, are regaled by the novelty of its contents, the minuteness of its details, and the refreshing arrivals of transactions which occupy the attention of human beings at the greatest or nearest distances from us-- "-- --a messenger of grief Perhaps to thousands, and of joy to some: What is it but a map of life, Its fluctuations and its vast concerns ?" It may with propriety be compared to the planetary system: the light which it diffuses round the mental hemisphere, operates according as it is seen, felt, understood, or enjoyed: for instance, the Miser is gladdened by an account of the rise of the stocks--the Mariner is rejoiced, at the safety of his vessel after a thunder-storm--the Manufacturer, to hear of the revival of foreign markets--the Merchant, that his cargo is safely arrived--the Member, that his election is secured--the Father, that his son is walling to return home--the Poet, that ~212~~his production has been favourably received by the public--the Physician, that a difficult cure is transmitting his fame to posterity--the Actor, that his talents are duly appreciated--the Agriculturist, that grain fetches a good price--the upright man, that his character is defended--the poor man, that beer, meat, bread, and vegetables, are so within his reach that he can assure himself of being able to obtain a good Sunday's dinner.
"Tho' they differ in narrie, all alike, just the same, Morning Chronicle, Times, Advertiser, British Press, Morning Post, of News--what a host We read every day, and grow wiser; The Examiner, Whig--all alive to the gig, While each one his favourite chooses; Star, Traveller, and Sun, to keep up the fun, And tell all the world what the news is." "Well done," said Bob, "you seem to have them all at your tongue's end, and their general contents in your head; but, for my part, I am struck with surprise to know how it is they find interesting matter enough at all times to fill their columns." "Nothing more easy," continued Dashall, "especially for a newspaper whose contents are not sanctioned by authority; in which case they are so much the more the receptacle of invention--thence--We hear--it is said--a correspondent remarks--whereas, &c--all which serve to please, surprise, and inform.

We hear, can alter a man's face as the weather would a barometer--It is said, can distort another like a fit of the spasm--If, can make some cry--while Suppose, can make others laugh--but a Whereas operates like an electric shock; and though it often runs the extremity of the kingdom in unison with the rest, they altogether form a very agreeable mixture, occasionally interspersed, as opportunity offers, with long extracts from the last published novel, and an account of the prevailing fashions.