I should be miserable all my life.

Nay, death before this.

These men appear to me as natural men, but not in the same life as mine.
They are older, have more experience and more judgment than I, perhaps; but considering the point of view from which their judgment is formed, their advice does not appear to be the counsel for me.

I never can, nor will, save my health or life by such means.

If that is the only remedy, then unremedied must I remain.
"But the cause of my present state of mind is not what they suppose.
It is deeper, higher, and, O God! Thou knowest what it is! Wilt Thou give me hope, strength, guidance ?".