.

.
"By attempt to return I mean an attempt to return to my old life, for so I have to call it--that is, to get clear of this influence.

And yet I have no will to will against it.

I do not desire it, or its mode of living, and I am opposed to its tendency.
"What bearing this has upon the question of my coming home you will perceive.

As soon as I can come, I will.