It is that I am controlled.

Formerly I could act from intention, but now I have no future to design, nothing in prospect, and _my present action is from a present cause, not from any past._ Hence it is that while my action may appear to others as designed, to me it is unlooked-for and unaccountable.

I do not expect that others can feel this as I do.

I am tossed about in a sea without a rudder.

What drives me onward, and where I shall be driven, is to me unknown.