"Are you crazy, or what does ail you?
Talk about gittin' dinner at this time of day--most bedtime!" But I explained it out to him that fashion called for dinner at the hour that we usually partook of our evenin' meal at Jonesville.
Sez I, "Josiah, I would love for jest once to go to a big fashionable restaurant and mingle with the fashionable throng--jest for instruction and education, Josiah, not that I want to foller it up." But sez he, "We'd better go to the same old place where we've got good, clean dinners and supperses, and enough on 'em, and at a livin' price." But he argued warm at the foolishness of the enterprise.
But onlucky creeter that I wuz, I argued that, bein' a woman in search of instruction and wisdom, I wanted to see life on as many sides as I could; while I was at Columbuses doin's I wanted to look round and see all I could in a social and educational way.
Poor deceived human creeters, how they will blind their own eyes when they pursue their own desires! I do spoze it wuz vanity and pride that wuz at the bottom of it.
And truly, if I desired to see life on a new side I wuz about to have my wish; and if I had a haughty sperit when I entered that hall of fashion, it wuz with droopin' feathers and lowered crest that I went out on't.
Josiah wuz mad when he finally gin up and accompanied and went in with me.
It wuz a beautifully decorated room, and crowds of splendidly dressed men and wimmen wuz a-settin' round at little tables all over the room.
And as we went in, a tall, elegant-lookin' man, who I spozed for a long time wuz a minister, and I wondered enough what brung him there, and why he should advance and wait on me, but spozed it wuz because of the high opinion they had of me at Chicago, and their wantin' to use me so awful well.
But for all his white collar, and necktie, and sanctimonious look, I found out that he wuz a waiter, for all on 'em looked jest as he did, slick enough to be kept in a bandbox, and only let out once in a while to air.
Wall, he led the way to a little table, and we seated ourselves, Josiah still a-actin' mad--mad as a hen, and uppish.
And then the waiter put some little slips of paper before us, one with printin' and one with writin' on it, and a pencil, and sez he, "I will be back when you make out your order." And Josiah took out his old silver spectacles and begun to read out loud, and his voice wuz angry and morbid in the extreme.
Sez he, loud and clear, "Blue pints--pints of what, I'd love to know?
If it wuz a good pint of sweetened vinegar and ginger, I'd fall in with the idee." Sez I, "Keep still, Josiah; they're a-lookin' at you." "Wall, let 'em look," sez he, out loud and defiant.
"Consomme of chicken a la princess--what do we want of Princesses here, or Queens, or Dukesses--we want sunthin' to eat! Devilish crabs--do you want some, Samantha ?" I looked over his shoulder, in wild horrer at them awful words, and then I whispered, "Devilled crabs--and do you keep still, Josiah Allen; I'd ruther not have anythin' to eat at all than to have you act so--it hain't devilish." "Wall, what is the difference ?" he sez, out loud and strong; "devilish or bedevilled, they both mean the same.
"And it is true, too--too true; they are all bedevilled," sez he, gloomily eyin' the bill.
I allers hated crabs from the time they used to fasten to my bare toes down in the old swimmin' hole in the creek.

"Wall, you don't want any bedevilled crabs, do you ?" [Illustration: "I allus hated crabs!"] "No," sez I, faintly; for I wuz mortified enough to sink through the floor if there had been any sinkin' place, and I whispered, "I'd ruther go without any dinner at all than to have you act so." "Oh, no," sez he, loud and positive, "you don't want to go without your dinner; you want to be fashionable and cut style--you want to make a show." "Wall," sez I, faint as a cat, "I am apt to git my wish." For three men looked up and laughed, and one girl snickered, besides some other wimmen.
Sez I, hunchin' him, "Do be still and less go to our old place." "Oh, no," sez he, speakin' up to the top of his voice, "don't less leave; here is such a variety!" "Potatoes surprise," sez he; "it must be that they are mealy and cooked decent; that would be about as much of a surprise as I could have about potatoes here, to have 'em biled fit to eat; we'll have some of them, anyway.
"Philadelphia caperin'-- I didn't know that Philadelphia caperin' wuz any better than Chicago a-caperin' or New York a-caperin'.

Veal o just! I guess if he had been kicked by calves as much as I have, he wouldn't talk so much about their Christian habits.
"Leg of mutton with caper sass--wall, it is nateral for sheep to caper and act sassy, and it is nobody's bizness.
"Supreme pinted bogardus--what in thunder is that?
Supreme--wall, I've hearn of a supreme ijiot, and I believe that Bogardus is his name.
"Terrapin a-layin' on Maryland--I never knew that terrapin wuz a hen before, and why is it any better to lay on Maryland than anywhere else?
Mebby eggs are higher there; wall, Maryland hain't much too big for a good-sized hen's nest, nor Rhode Island neither." "Josiah Allen," I whispered, deep and solemn, "if you don't stop I will part with you." Folks wuz in a full snicker and a giggle by this time.
"Oh, no," sez he, loud and strong, "you don't want to part with me till I git you a fashionable dinner, and we both cut style.
"Tenderloin of beef a-tryin' on"-- a-tryin' on what, I'd love to know ?--style, most probable, this is such a stylish place." "Will you be still, Josiah Allen ?" sez I, a-layin' holt of his vest.
"No, I won't; I am tryin' to put on style, Samantha, and buy you sunthin' stylish to eat." "Wall, you needn't," sez I; "I have lost my appetite." "Siberian Punch! Let him come on," sez Josiah; "if I can't use my fists equal to any dum Siberian that ever trod shoe leather, then I'll give in." Then three wimmen giggled, and the waiters began to look mad and troubled.
"English rifles"-- wall, I shouldn't have thought they would have tried that agin.

No, trifles," sez he, a-lookin' closer at it.
"English trifles!--lions' tails and coronets, mebby--English trifles and tutty-frutty.

Do have some tutty-frutty, Samantha, it has such a stylish sound to it, so different from good pork and beans and roast beef; I believe you would enjoy it dearly.
"Waiter," sez he, "bring on some tutty-frutty to once." The waiter approached cautiously, and made a motion to me, and touched his forehead.
He thought he wuz crazy, and he whispered to me, "Is it caused by drinkin'?
or is it nateral and come on sudden--" Josiah heard it, and answered out loud, "It wuz caused by style, by bein' fashionable; my only aim has been to git my wife a fashionable dinner, but I see it has overcome her." The waiter wuz a good-hearted-lookin' man--a kind heart beat below that white necktie (considerable below it on the left side), and sez he to me-- "Shall I bring you a dinner, Mom, without takin' the order ?" And I replied gratefully-- "Yes, so do;" and so he brung it, a good enough dinner for anybody--good roast beef, and potatoes, and lemon pie, and tea, and Josiah eat hearty, and had to quiet down some, though he kept a-mournin' all through the meal about its not bein' carried on fashionable and stylish, and that it wuz my doin's a-breakin' it up, and etc., etc., and the last thing a-wantin' tutty-frutty, and etc., etc.
And I paid for the meal out of my own pocket; the waiter thought I had to on account of my companion's luny state, and he gin the bill to me.
And Josiah a-chucklin' over it, as I could see, for savin' his money.
And I got him out of that place as quick as I could, the bystanders, or ruther the bysetters, a-laughin' or a-lookin' pitiful at me, as their naters differed.
And as we wended off down the broad path on the outside, I sez, "You have disgraced us forever in the eyes of the nation, Josiah Allen." And he sez, "What have I done?
You can't throw it in my face, Samantha, that I hain't tried to cut style--that I didn't try to git you a stylish meal." I wouldn't say a word further to him, and I never spoke to him once that night--not once, only in the night I thought there wuz a mouse in the room, and I forgot myself and called on him for help.
And for three days I didn't pass nothin' but the compliments with him; he felt bad--he worships me.