CHAPTER XV.
This idea, which had taken firm possession of him for a few minutes, seemed to fade away, and by the morrow there only remained a startled excitement which nothing could account for; he now shrugged his shoulders, but still, at the bottom of his soul a vague sense of dread would surge up.
Was not the very absurdity of it a proof that this notion was one of the presentiments that we sometimes feel without understanding it?
Was it not, again, for lack of a command plainly given by some inward voice, a warning, a direct and secret hint, that he should be on his guard not to think of this visit to a cloister as a mere pleasure trip?
"But this is monstrous!" Durtal exclaimed at last.

"When I went to La Trappe for my great purification, I was not harassed by apprehensions of this kind; when I have gone there again several times since, it never occurred to me that I should really bury myself in a monastery; and now that it is a matter merely of a short visit to a Benedictine monastery, I am trembling and recalcitrant.
"Such a commotion is quite childish! And yet no, not so very childish," he suddenly told himself.

"When I have been to Notre-Dame de l'Atre I have been sure that I should not remain, since I knew that I could not endure more than a month of their austere Rule; so there was nothing to fear; whereas in a Benedictine Abbey, where the Rule is lighter, I am not certain that I could not stay.
"In that case--well, well, so much the better! for after all sooner or later I must decide, I must make up my mind as to what I really mean; have some definite notion of the value of my promissory notes, of the greater or less strength of my energy, my fitness, my limitations.
"A few months ago I longed for the monastic life, that is beyond doubt--and now I am wavering.

I have abortive gushes of feeling, ineffectual projects, inclinations which fail, wishes which come short--I will and I will not.

Still it is needful to understand oneself; but of what use is it for me to try to sound the well of my own soul?
If I go down into it, I find everything dark and cold and empty.
"I am beginning to think that by dint of staring into that darkness I am becoming like a child that fixes its eyes on the blackness of night; I end by creating phantoms and inventing terrors.