I can't pull an oar without batting my back on the bottom of the boat.

As for steering--well, authorities say there's thirty-two points to the compass, but there's at least thirty more when I get started.

And as sure as God made little apples, I don't know my elbow from my knee about a paddle.

I've capsized damn near every canoe I ever set foot in.

I've gone right through the bottom of two.