Neither did Captain Edwards recollect when, on his return, he wrote to the Admiralty, that Michael Byrne had surrendered himself as one of the _Bounty's_ people, but in that letter he reported him as having been apprehended, which plainly shows that the memory is fallible to a very great degree; and it is a fair conclusion to draw that, if when the mind is at rest, which must have been the case with Mr.Hayward in the _Pandora_, and things of a few months' date are difficult to be remembered, it is next to impossible, in the state which every body was on board the _Bounty_, to remember their particular actions at the distance of three years and a half after they were observed.
'As to the advice he says he gave me, to go into the boat, I can only say, I have a faint recollection of a short conversation with somebody--I thought it was Mr.Stewart--but be that as it may, I think I may take upon me to say it was on deck and not below, for on hearing it suggested that I should be deemed guilty if I stayed in the ship, I went down directly, and in passing Mr.Cole, told him, in a low tone of voice, that I would fetch a few necessaries in a bag and follow him into the boat, which at that time I meant to do, but was afterwards prevented.
'Surely I shall not be deemed criminal that I hesitated at getting into a boat whose gunnel, when she left the ship, was not quite eight inches above the surface of the water.

And if, in the moment of unexpected trial, fear and confusion assailed my untaught judgement, and that by remaining in the ship I appeared to deny my commander, it was in appearance only--it was the sin of my head--for I solemnly assure you before God, that it was not the vileness of my heart.
'I was surprised into my error by a mixture of ignorance, apprehension, and the prevalence of example; and, alarmed as I was from my sleep, there was little opportunity and less time for better recollection.

The captain, I am persuaded, did not see me during the mutiny, for I retired, as it were, in sorrowful suspense, alternately agitated between hope and fear, not knowing what to do.

The dread of being asked by him, or of being ordered by Christian to go into the boat,--or, which appeared to me worse than either, of being desired by the latter to join his party, induced me to keep out of the sight of both, until I was a second time confined in my berth by Thompson, when the determination I had made was too late to be useful.
'One instance of my conduct I had nearly forgot, which, with much anxiety and great astonishment, I have heard observed upon and considered as a fault, though I had imagined it blameless, if not laudable--I mean the assistance I gave in hoisting out the launch, which, by a mode of expression of the boatswain's, who says I did it voluntarily (meaning that I did not refuse my assistance when he asked me to give it), the Court, I am afraid, has considered it as giving assistance to the mutineers, and not done with a view to help the captain; of which, however, I have no doubt of being able to give a satisfactory explanation in evidence.
'Observations on matters of opinion I will endeavour to forbear where they appear to have been formed from the impulse of the moment; but I shall be pardoned for remembering Mr.
Hayward's (given I will allow with great deliberation, and after long weighing the question which called for it), which cannot be reckoned of that description, for although he says he rather considered me as a friend to Christian's party, he states that his last words to me were, "Peter, go into the boat," which words could not have been addressed to one who was of the party of the mutineers.

And I am sure, if the countenance is at all an index to the heart, mine must have betrayed the sorrow and distress he has so accurately described.
'It were trespassing unnecessarily upon the patience of the Court, to be giving a tedious history of what happened in consequence of the mutiny, and how, through one very imprudent step, I was unavoidably led into others.
'But, amidst all this pilgrimage of distress, I had a conscience, thank heaven, which lulled away the pain of personal difficulties, dangers, and distress.