But his compositional bent turned him completely away from mere piano playing.
He was a composer-pianist, and as such he ever desired to be regarded." [Illustration: THE HOUSE AT PETERBORO, NEW HAMPSHIRE, WHERE MACDOWELL SPENT HIS SUMMERS] As a pianist, as in all other matters touching his own capacities, he was often tortured by doubts concerning the effect of his performances.

"I shall never forget," recalls his wife, "the first time he played it [the "Eroica" sonata] in Boston.

We all thought he did it wonderfully.

But when I went around to the green-room door to find him, fearing something might be wrong, as he had not come to me, he had gone.

When I got home, accompanied by two friends, there he was almost in a corner, white, and as if he were guilty of some crime, and he said as we came in: 'I can play better than that.