Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats these, constantly provide him with more.
Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins.

Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.
When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig violently with the handle of a large broom.

If he squeals, beat him again.
Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties.
If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.
* * * * * NONSENSE BOTANY.
[Illustration: Baccopipia Gracilis.] [Illustration: Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.] [Illustration: Cockatooca Superba.] [Illustration: Fishia Marina.] [Illustration: Guittara Pensilis.] [Illustration: Manypeeplia Upsidownia.] [Illustration: Phattfacia Stupenda.] [Illustration: Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.] [Illustration: Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.] [Illustration: Pollybirdia Singularis.] * * * * * NONSENSE ALPHABETS.
A [Illustration] A was an ant Who seldom stood still, And who made a nice house In the side of a hill.
a! Nice little ant! B [Illustration] B was a book With a binding of blue, And pictures and stories For me and for you.
b! Nice little book! C [Illustration] C was a cat Who ran after a rat; But his courage did fail When she seized on his tail.
c! Crafty old cat! D [Illustration] D was a duck With spots on his back, Who lived in the water, And always said "Quack!" d! Dear little duck! E [Illustration] E was an elephant, Stately and wise: He had tusks and a trunk, And two queer little eyes.
e! Oh, what funny small eyes! F [Illustration] F was a fish Who was caught in a net; But he got out again, And is quite alive yet.
f! Lively young fish! G [Illustration] G was a goat Who was spotted with brown: When he did not lie still He walked up and down.
g! Good little goat! H [Illustration] H was a hat Which was all on one side; Its crown was too high, And its brim was too wide.
h! Oh, what a hat! I [Illustration] I was some ice So white and so nice, But which nobody tasted; And so it was wasted.
i! All that good ice! J [Illustration] J was a jackdaw Who hopped up and down In the principal street Of a neighboring town.
j! All through the town! K [Illustration] K was a kite Which flew out of sight, Above houses so high, Quite into the sky.
k Fly away, kite! L [Illustration] L was a light Which burned all the night, And lighted the gloom Of a very dark room.
l! Useful nice light! M [Illustration] M was a mill Which stood on a hill, And turned round and round With a loud hummy sound.
m! Useful old mill! N [Illustration] N was a net Which was thrown in the sea To catch fish for dinner For you and for me.
n! Nice little net! O [Illustration] O was an orange So yellow and round: When it fell off the tree, It fell down to the ground.
o! Down to the ground! P [Illustration] P was a pig, Who was not very big; But his tail was too curly, And that made him surly.
p! Cross little pig! Q [Illustration] Q was a quail With a very short tail; And he fed upon corn In the evening and morn.
q! Quaint little quail! R [Illustration] R was a rabbit, Who had a bad habit Of eating the flowers In gardens and bowers.
r! Naughty fat rabbit! S [Illustration] S was the sugar-tongs, Nippity-nee, To take up the sugar To put in our tea.
s! Nippity-nee! T [Illustration] T was a tortoise, All yellow and black: He walked slowly away, And he never came back.
t! Torty never came back! U [Illustration] U was an urn All polished and bright, And full of hot water At noon and at night.
u! Useful old urn! V [Illustration] V was a villa Which stood on a hill, By the side of a river, And close to a mill.
v! Nice little villa! W [Illustration] W was a whale With a very long tail, Whose movements were frantic Across the Atlantic.
w! Monstrous old whale! X [Illustration] X was King Xerxes, Who, more than all Turks, is Renowned for his fashion Of fury and passion.
x! Angry old Xerxes! Y [Illustration] Y was a yew, Which flourished and grew By a quiet abode Near the side of a road.
y! Dark little yew! Z [Illustration] Z was some zinc, So shiny and bright, Which caused you to wink In the sun's merry light.
z! Beautiful zinc! A [Illustration] a A was once an apple-pie, Pidy, Widy, Tidy, Pidy, Nice insidy, Apple-pie! B [Illustration] b B was once a little bear, Beary, Wary, Hairy, Beary, Taky cary, Little bear! C [Illustration] c C was once a little cake, Caky, Baky, Maky, Caky, Taky caky, Little cake! D [Illustration] d D was once a little doll, Dolly, Molly, Polly, Nolly, Nursy dolly, Little doll! E [Illustration] e E was once a little eel, Eely, Weely, Peely, Eely, Twirly, tweely, Little eel! F [Illustration] f F was once a little fish, Fishy, Wishy, Squishy, Fishy, In a dishy, Little fish! G [Illustration] g G was once a little goose, Goosy, Moosy, Boosey, Goosey, Waddly-woosy, Little goose! H [Illustration] h H was once a little hen, Henny, Chenny, Tenny, Henny.
Eggsy-any, Little hen?
I [Illustration] i I was once a bottle of ink Inky, Dinky, Thinky, Inky, Blacky minky, Bottle of ink! J [Illustration] j J was once a jar of jam, Jammy, Mammy, Clammy, Jammy, Sweety, swammy, Jar of jam! K [Illustration] k K was once a little kite, Kity, Whity, Flighty, Kity, Out of sighty, Little kite! L [Illustration] l L was once a little lark, Larky, Marky, Harky, Larky, In the parky, Little lark! M [Illustration] m M was once a little mouse, Mousy, Bousy, Sousy, Mousy, In the housy, Little mouse! N [Illustration] n N was once a little needle, Needly, Tweedly, Threedly, Needly, Wisky, wheedly, Little needle! O [Illustration] o O was once a little owl, Owly, Prowly, Howly, Owly, Browny fowly, Little owl! P [Illustration] p P was once a little pump, Pumpy, Slumpy, Flumpy, Pumpy, Dumpy, thumpy, Little pump! Q [Illustration] q Q was once a little quail, Quaily, Faily, Daily, Quaily, Stumpy-taily, Little quail! R [Illustration] r R was once a little rose, Rosy, Posy, Nosy, Rosy, Blows-y, grows-y, Little rose! S [Illustration] s S was once a little shrimp, Shrimpy, Nimpy, Flimpy, Shrimpy.
Jumpy, jimpy, Little shrimp! T [Illustration] t T was once a little thrush, Thrushy, Hushy, Bushy, Thrushy, Flitty, flushy, Little thrush! U [Illustration] u U was once a little urn, Urny, Burny, Turny, Urny, Bubbly, burny, Little urn! V [Illustration] v V was once a little vine, Viny, Winy, Twiny, Viny, Twisty-twiny, Little vine! W [Illustration] w W was once a whale, Whaly, Scaly, Shaly, Whaly, Tumbly-taily, Mighty whale! X [Illustration] x X was once a great king Xerxes, Xerxy, Perxy, Turxy, Xerxy, Linxy, lurxy, Great King Xerxes! Y [Illustration] y Y was once a little yew, Yewdy, Fewdy, Crudy, Yewdy, Growdy, grewdy, Little yew! Z [Illustration] z Z was once a piece of zinc, Tinky, Winky, Blinky, Tinky, Tinkly minky, Piece of zinc! A [Illustration] A was an ape, Who stole some white tape, And tied up his toes In four beautiful bows.
a! Funny old ape! B [Illustration] B was a bat, Who slept all the day, And fluttered about When the sun went away.
b! Brown little bat! C [Illustration] C was a camel: You rode on his hump; And if you fell off, You came down such a bump! c! What a high camel! D [Illustration] D was a dove, Who lived in a wood, With such pretty soft wings, And so gentle and good! d! Dear little dove! E [Illustration] E was an eagle, Who sat on the rocks, And looked down on the fields And the-far-away flocks.
e! Beautiful eagle! F [Illustration] F was a fan Made of beautiful stuff; And when it was used, It went puffy-puff-puff! f! Nice little fan! G [Illustration] G was a gooseberry, Perfectly red; To be made into jam, And eaten with bread.
g! Gooseberry red! H [Illustration] H was a heron, Who stood in a stream: The length of his neck And his legs was extreme.
h! Long-legged heron! I [Illustration] I was an inkstand, Which stood on a table, With a nice pen to write with When we are able.
i! Neat little inkstand! J [Illustration] J was a jug, So pretty and white, With fresh water in it At morning and night.
j! Nice little jug! K [Illustration] K was a kingfisher: Quickly he flew, So bright and so pretty!-- Green, purple, and blue.
k! Kingfisher blue! L [Illustration] L was a lily, So white and so sweet! To see it and smell it Was quite a nice treat.
l! Beautiful lily! M [Illustration] M was a man, Who walked round and round; And he wore a long coat That came down to the ground.
m! Funny old man! N [Illustration] N was a nut So smooth and so brown! And when it was ripe, It fell tumble-dum-down.
n! Nice little nut! O [Illustration] O was an oyster, Who lived in his shell: If you let him alone, He felt perfectly well.
o! Open-mouthed oyster! P [Illustration] P was a polly, All red, blue, and green,-- The most beautiful polly That ever was seen.
p! Poor little polly! Q [Illustration] Q was a quill Made into a pen; But I do not know where, And I cannot say when.
q! Nice little quill! R [Illustration] R was a rattlesnake, Rolled up so tight, Those who saw him ran quickly, For fear he should bite.
r! Rattlesnake bite! S [Illustration] S was a screw To screw down a box; And then it was fastened Without any locks.
s! Valuable screw! T [Illustration] T was a thimble, Of silver so bright! When placed on the finger, It fitted so tight! t! Nice little thimble! U [Illustration] U was an upper-coat, Woolly and warm, To wear over all In the snow or the storm.
u! What a nice upper-coat! V [Illustration] V was a veil With a border upon it, And a ribbon to tie it All round a pink bonnet.
v! Pretty green veil! W [Illustration] W was a watch, Where, in letters of gold, The hour of the day You might always behold.
w! Beautiful watch! X [Illustration] X was King Xerxes, Who wore on his head A mighty large turban, Green, yellow, and red.
x! Look at King Xerxes! Y [Illustration] Y was a yak, From the land of Thibet: Except his white tail, He was all black as jet.
y! Look at the yak! Z [Illustration] Z was a zebra, All striped white and black; And if he were tame, You might ride on his back.
z! Pretty striped zebra! * * * * * MORE NONSENSE Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, etc.
by EDWARD LEAR [Illustration] CONTENTS.
NONSENSE BOTANY ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES [Illustration] INTRODUCTION.
In offering this little book--the third of its kind--to the public, I am glad to take the opportunity of recording the pleasure I have received at the appreciation its predecessors have met with, as attested by their wide circulation, and by the universally kind notices of them from the Press.

To have been the means of administering innocent mirth to thousands, may surely be a just motive for satisfaction, and an excuse for grateful expression.
At the same time, I am desirous of adding a few words as to the history of the two previously published volumes, and more particularly of the first or original "Book of Nonsense," relating to which many absurd reports have crept into circulation, such as that it was the composition of the late Lord Brougham, the late Earl of Derby, etc.; that the rhymes and pictures are by different persons; or that the whole have a symbolical meaning, etc.; whereas, every one of the Rhymes was composed by myself, and every one of the Illustrations drawn by my own hand at the time the verses were made.

Moreover, in no portion of these Nonsense drawings have I ever allowed any caricature of private or public persons to appear, and throughout, more care than might be supposed has been given to make the subjects incapable of misinterpretation: "Nonsense," pure and absolute, having been my aim throughout.
As for the persistently absurd report of the late Earl of Derby being the author of the "First Book of Nonsense," I may relate an incident which occurred to me four summers ago, the first that gave me any insight into the origin of the rumor.
I was on my way from London to Guildford, in a railway carriage, containing, besides myself, one passenger, an elderly gentleman: presently, however, two ladies entered, accompanied by two little boys.