It is too wordy.

You clog the action by introducing so much extraneous material." "That was the major _motif_," he hurriedly explained, "the big underrunning _motif_, the cosmic and universal thing.

I tried to make it keep time with the story itself, which was only superficial after all.

I was on the right scent, but I guess I did it badly.

I did not succeed in suggesting what I was driving at.