With so much at stake you may easily conceive how tantalizing is this state of suspense.

I wish to feel right on this subject; not to be impatient, nor distrustful, nor fretful, and yet to be prepared for the worst.

I find my funds exhausting, my clothing wearing out, my time, especially, rapidly waning, and my affairs at home requiring some little looking after; and then, if I should after all be disappointed, the alternative looks dark, and to human eyes disastrous in the extreme.
"I hardly dare contemplate this side of the matter, and yet I ought so far to consider it as to provide, if possible, against being struck down by such a blow.

At times, after waiting all day and day after day, in the hope that my bill may be called up, and in vain, I feel heart-sick, and finding nothing accomplished, that no progress is made, that _precious time_ flies, I am depressed and begin to question whether I am in the way of duty.

But when I feel that I have done all in my power, and that this delay may be designed by the wise disposer of all events for a trial of patience, I find relief and a disposition quietly to wait such issue as he shall direct, knowing that, if I sincerely have put my trust in him, he will not lead me astray, and my way will, in any event, be made plain." "_January 25._ I am still _waiting, waiting_.