In this sad manner I rocked to and fro, every day, and all day long.

And because I did not allow any part of all this to transpire, because I understood that Signor Giovanni and the ladies did not doubt I was inwardly as calm, as pure as I was externally; I despised myself at certain moments for a hypocrite, only to tell myself the next moment that, on the contrary, my pure and calm exterior helped me to live--I allude to the spiritual life--that by appearing strong, I was forced to be strong.

I compared myself to a tree whose marrow has been destroyed by worms, whose wood is rotten, but which still lives through its bark, by means of which it produces leaves and flowers, and can spread welcome shade.

Then I told myself that this was good reasoning before men; but was it good reasoning before God, before God?
And again I told myself that God could heal me, for though the tree may not be healed yet a man may be made whole.

Again my mind was tormented, because I was incapable of doing what God would demand of me, in order that my will might once more work in unison with His.