CHAPTER XXXIII.
I am surprised that I cannot recall whether my desire to become a minister transformed itself into a wish to lead the more militant life of missionary, by a slow process or suddenly.
It seems to me that the change must have come at a very early period.
For a long time I had taken an interest in Protestant missions, especially in those established in Southern Africa, among the Bassoutos.
During my childhood we subscribed for the "Messenger," a monthly journal that had for frontispiece an interesting picture which, very early in my life, made a forcible impression upon me.
This picture held a higher place in my regard than those of which I have already spoken, but by no means because of its execution, its color or background.

It represented an impossible pine tree growing at the edge of a sea, behind which a resplendent sun was setting, and, at the foot of the tree, there was a young savage who was watching the approach of a ship, from a distant point upon the horizon, that was bringing to him the glad tidings of Salvation.
Early in my life, when from the warm depths of my soft and downy nest, I looked out upon a yet formless world, that picture evoked many dreams; later when I was more capable of appreciating the extreme crudity of the design, that huge sun, half-engulfed in the sea, and that tiny mission boat sailing towards the unknown shores still had a very great charm for me.
Now when they questioned me I replied: "I expect to be a missionary." But I spoke in a low voice, in the voice of one not sure of himself, and I felt that they no longer believed in my asseverations.

Even my mother, when she heard my response, smiled sadly.
Doubtless my answer exceeded what she expected from my faith;--probably she said to herself that it was never to be; no doubt she thought that I would become something very different, in all probability something less desirable, that it was impossible at this time to foresee.
This determination of mine to become a missionary seemed to solve my every problem.

It would mean long voyages and an adventurous, perilous life,--but journeys would be undertaken in the service of the Lord, and the dangers endured for His blessed cause.

That solution brought me great tranquillity for a long time.
After having thus won peace for my religious conscience, I feared to dwell upon the thought lest it should disclose some unexpected weaknesses.