To me his return belonged to an inconceivable and unreal future; and, most strange of all, what spoiled for me the pleasure of his home-coming, was that I at that time would be twelve or thirteen years of age--almost a big boy in fact.
Unlike most other children,--especially unlike those of to-day--who are eager to become men and women as speedily as possible, I had a terror of growing up, which became more and more accentuated as I grew older.

I argued about it to myself, and I wrote about it, and when any one asked me why I had such a feeling I answered, since I could not think of a better reason: "It seems to me that it will be very wearisome to be a man." I believe that it is an extremely singular state of mind, an altogether unique one perhaps, this shrinking away from life at its very beginning; I was not able to see a horizon before me: I could not picture my future to myself as so many can; before me there was nothing but impenetrable darkness, a great leaden curtain shut off my view..