He felt she wanted the man on top, not the real him that was in trouble.

That would be too much trouble to her; he dared not give it her.

She could not cope with him.

It made him ashamed.
So, secretly ashamed because he was in such a mess, because his own hold on life was so unsure, because nobody held him, feeling unsubstantial, shadowy, as if he did not count for much in this concrete world, he drew himself together smaller and smaller.

He did not want to die; he would not give in.