I would, and I would not.
I was undecided, uncertain, wild.

The scandal that must arise from the publicity of such an affair terrified me.

I desired, I still desire to recover my name, that much is certain.

But on the eve of recovering it, I wish to preserve it from stain.

I was seeking a means of arranging everything, without noise, without scandal." "At length, however, you made up your mind ?" "Yes, after a struggle of fifteen days, fifteen days of torture, of anguish! Ah! what I suffered in that time! I neglected my business, being totally unfit for work.